In his "Woe is ...you" response to my "Battle" post, Xanthorpe suggested,
     "I can do all things through He who strengthens me."

I started my response to him with, 
     Naturally, I agree with both you and Paul.

Except...

I can do all things except understand why I'm doing all these things recently. I'm trying not to talk on a cosmic level here, nor on the piddly Amazon level but something in between. I'm just plain baffled by the events of the last few months.

I wrote a bunch more than this but I've decided to turn it into the next post. I don't think I'll call it "Woe is..." anybody. 
I -hate- opening my mouth and talking about all of this because it sounds like pure whining.

"Sheesh! What's her problem? She got her book published!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I can do all things except understand why I'm doing all these things.

I was inspired to write "Seabird" back in 1979 & I wrote the first draft, then I foolishly tried to market it with no clue how to do so. After that, work got in the way for the next 20 plus years. I learned something about writing in those 20 years--enough to realize that my execution wasn't up to the level of the inspiration. I also wrote more fantasy when I could, but at the end of a work day I wasn't up to the focus needed to revise "Seabird". Just as well! I still didn't have the knowledge to do it properly. 

I also didn't have the time in those years to learn strategies for finding a publisher or to throw myself into the publisher/editor finding campaign. I did do my best to "network" via cons & computer forums.

From 2000 when I retired until--well, now--I've been focusing on revising "Seabird" and getting it published. And most recently, trying to publicize it.

In December 2006, a publishing industry miracle happened: "Seabird"  found its home at Gryphonwood Press. Since then, everything has gone pear-shaped as the Brits say. No one, including me, wants to know about all the personal or professional career events of my last 16 months! Suffice it to say, that anything which could exhaust me or eat up my time has visited me in clumps or singly.

My dubious "visitors" included a clerical problem that resulted in the wrong file being used to print "Seabird" just before I was due for my two week "tour" last November. I went on the tour but I had no properly-printed books to sell at the vendor table or books to sign at what would have been the book-signing.  (Oh, and no one but fellow Broad Universe members showed up at our group reading.)

Once "Seabird" was properly printed and available early this year, the local bookstore with--which I had developed a cordial relationship in 2007--mysteriously & suddenly acted like I was stranger walking in off the street hustling a vanity press book. I barely convinced the owner (a woman I've known for years) to place a few copies of the book on her shelves. Any chance of a book-signing there has evaporated some time between last fall and February.

As you've seen in my posts, I had no way to get to Delaware Authors Day, an event which I've been attended--without my novel to sell--for the last four years. 

Amazon... Well, you've heard about Amazon. 

I've also worked on my specialized author blog "Narentan Tales" but I have no indication anyone is actually reading the book extracts. (I originally intended to post half a chapter a day. A quarter of both "Seabird" and of "Earthbow" would be up by now if I had done so.)

So, we're back to my chorus:

I can do all things except understand why I'm doing all these things--why I'm putting in all this effort recently when it appears that doing this stuff or not doing this stuff would produce the same result? 

Bottom line: I love my book. It's crazy-making that I still don't know what "the public" thinks of it. Being a reasonably realistic person, I was braced for "mixed" reviews and even bad reviews from the moment "Seabird" was published. I wasn't prepared for no public reaction.

A new publisher--but not at Gryphonwood!--recently claimed the obstacles he ran into when starting his business were signs of spiritual warfare. I've read about some of the events that seemed bent on sabotaging him starting up his small press. I've heard the expression "spiritual warfare" before, but I don't know enough to agree or disagree in his case.

As for me, some people may say that I'm just having a run of bad luck, or everyone goes through this kind of stuff to succeed. A few may even say that I'm experiencing "spiritual warfare" too, or to badly misquote Robert Frost, "Something there is that doesn't love a "Seabird"."

Others will insist that I'm being tested by God. Maybe I am. I'm just not sure what for after all this time since 1979. I could use a clue.

I am sure of this. I'm very disappointed YA fantasy readers still don't know "Seabird" exists. Though I'm still spending hours a day trying to come up with promotion ideas, I'm beginning to wonder how--short of a miracle--fantasy readers ever will.

I'm sure of this too. The more time I spend working to get even a few copies of "Seabird" sold, the less time I have to revise "Earthbow" or to do anything else creative. I know this will sound melodramatic but I really would like a chance to finish the many  manuscript proofs I already have in my lifetime.

If I am being tested and my Test is to choose between 1. persuading someone, anyone, to read "Seabird" and 2. working on the other manuscripts, maybe I've been choosing incorrectly and I've flunked. Okay. When is this particular testing period over? When do I find out if my focus is wrong? It isn't like I haven't been asking. I have -really- been trying to see my path for months now.


Whine. Whine. Whine.  Sheesh, she has her book out. What's her problem?   ;-)


SherryT    aka  Sherry Thompson, perplexed author of "Seabird"   (and about a half million other words of mostly fantasy)